fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
