my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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