i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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