1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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