She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
