Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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