I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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