he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
