It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
