I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
