Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
