Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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