After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
