I puked a lego.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We got so high we made milksteak
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
