The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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