Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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