need another drink. this is the easiest way
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
