can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
