I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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