May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
nutella sex= disaster
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
