So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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