I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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