i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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