im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
