its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
