Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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