2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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