would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
