Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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