now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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