Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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