my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
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Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize