So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
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We named our party play list daddy issues
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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