I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
