I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
