Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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