I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
