I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
