Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
