How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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