I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
