you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I look better un-naked...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
