I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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