...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.