I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN