she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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