His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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