i just wanna soil my oats bro
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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