Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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