White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
