1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
