Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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