Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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