I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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