i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
