i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book